Thirty Years Later
Thirty years have passed since completing the above section. It is now 2010.
Reflecting upon the early interpretation of how I wrote about the story of my life, picturing that young, hurt and powerless woman I was once . . . and the most important action I can take is to love that little damaged girl who had known suffering at an early age. Yes, we are all "wounded" in some aspect of our early childhood, for are not our parents the victims of wounding? Though the "the parent is the wound", as James Hillman stated, he also meant this as a metaphor. For our "wounds" can "parent" us in the process of positive healing. I reclaim that "little child-woman" in my psyche and nurture her daily.
So, how did the fairytale with Paul unfold?We married in 1982 and truly believed the vows we took would sustain us all our lives
We both woke from the delusion that we had sufficient love and maturity to sustain a marriage. I certainly was no victim of the story - more the creator of my own suffering. In 1983 - yes, only a year after my marriage - I sought companionship and a lover in a man as young as Paul. Rather than confront my ongoing issues of feeling alienated from Paul, due to Paul's family's ongoing exclusion of my role as Paul's partner.
A Descent Into the Madness of the Underworld
Though it is still painfull to recount, the relationship with Paul's family devolved to accusing me of being a "witch" (and not in a positive context). To their minds this was an easy label to justify their behavious. Behaviours that included having given Paul a holy medal to protect himself from my influence. Even now, as I write, I'm still quite amazed that events would lead to such perceptions with Paul's family.
Instead of confronting this and reclaiming my role in Paul's life, I fleed emotionally and willingly sort comfort from a man who didn't have such issues. It was, in hindsight, a very poor choice to make as a way of dealing with my in-laws and Paul. Time has passed and my heart has had the choice to either harden or soften - I can truly elect to forgive both the actions of Paul's family and for my own behaviour. Thankfully, I now express a love for their care. Though it wasn't easy when as an impetuous young woman, who believed she knew it all, I chose to be more comfortable as a victim of the story.
The relationship with Laurie, though lush with passion and comfort was to become my descent into a personal hell. The inevitable occurred, I became pregnant from this shadowy relationship. In 1986, I had given birth to a beautiful boy, Matthew.
Dear reader, just reflect upon what I've written. I wasn't satisfied with just having a marriage - despite being taught marriage won't probably happen to a dwarf - I wanted more! So, as you read, you discover a person with a disablity is quite capable of doing stupid things - just like anyone!
Visit my page again as I continue writing about my story!
